


Last Resort

by vaderina



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Implied Relationships, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-29 22:27:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16273640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaderina/pseuds/vaderina
Summary: Trapped and out of options the aurors defer to Newt's lunatic plan of annoying Grindelwald into distraction until someone can knock him out.





	Last Resort

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fluffyhojo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffyhojo/gifts).



Desperate times called for desperate measures. What was left of the decimated auror squad huddled behind a door with nowhere to go but the way they’d entered, which was straight into Grindelwald’s arms.

“We need a plan,” Percival growled as he paced in frustration.

“He’s vastly more powerful than all of us combined. We can’t overwhelm him, not while he’s got the Elder Wand,” O’Brien sighed. People around them nodded.

“There’s only one way out, we can’t even surprise him,” Fontaine added and Percival glowered.

“It’s all very well listing what we can’t do. We can’t very well bake him a cake with a stripper in it either, but it’s not helping our situation.”

Silence reigned in the small room as people frowned deep in thought. Towards the corner Newt shifted to stand a little straighter.

“We could annoy him into making a mistake?” he offered tentatively. Someone bit back a hysterical giggle in the background.

“What good would that do us?” Percival looked close to crying.

“Distraction. While he’s busy getting annoyed with one of us the others fan out and ambush him from behind. There are enough bricks lying around to pelt him and knock him out.”

“That’s brutal and suicidal,” Delego whistled from where he sat, “I love it.”

“And who exactly do you volunteer to annoy the darkest wizard of our time?” Percival gritted out.

“Me.”

Newt’s answer was said in a way that implied it was the most natural answer in the universe. A rumbled of stifled laughter spread through the room.

“This is the most ridiculous plan I’ve heard even from an obstinate man like you. And that includes that time in the kitchen.”

“Kitchen”? Delego piped up with interest.

“Shut up, adults are talking,” Percival shot back and looked back at Newt. “Absolutely not Newt, I can’t let you do this.”

“Can’t? Or won’t?”

Percival looked away and his cheeks coloured.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he finally admitted. The aurors cooed.

“I annoy you enough but you’ve yet to snap and kill me. Trust me to walk this fine line?”

There were no other options. Nobody dared say anything as Newt picked his way over to Percival and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Their fingers briefly linked together and squeezed before Newt moved to the door.

“Be sneaky. And don’t forget the bricks.”

With that he was slipping out the door and Percival stared after him bereft. They could hear when Grindelwald spotted Newt and waited a few minutes before quietly moving out of the room.

 

                Outside Newt had found Grindelwald lying in wait near the junction of the hallways. He had jumped out at Newt with a flourish which faltered a little when he realised his opponent was by himself.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Newt looked at the wand pointed directly at his chest, “you might take someone’s eye out with it.”

Grindelwald let out a “tsk” and rolled his eyes. Newt licked his finger and stuck it in the air as though testing the direction of the wind.

“You’re lucky your face didn’t get stuck like that, if the wind had changed…” he trailed off knowingly.

“You’re standing on thin ice,” Grindelwald snapped and Newt looked at his feet.

“I’m standing on the ground,” he blinked owlishly back at his opponent.

“It’s an expression.”

“It’s a carpet,” Newt sounded puzzled as he tipped his head to the side and regarded Grindelwald. “Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Grindelwald’s free hand curled into a fist.

“No you’re not fine. You’re Gellert Grindelwald,” Newt insisted. He could have sworn there was steam starting to come out of Grindelwald’s ears.

“Will you be quiet for one minute?” It was almost screamed at Newt whose eyes went comically wide and nodded. He motioned as though zipping his lips and stared at the other wizard.

“Thank you. Now, why are you here all on your own? Where are the others?”

Newt continued to stare balefully, shifting from one foot to the other. The silence stretched on.

“Well? Where are they?” Grindelwald pressed and jabbed his wand in Newt’s direction. Still silent, Newt kicked the rubble around his feet.

“This isn’t funny. I can force you to talk if you don’t obey me.”

This time it was Newt who rolled his eyes and blew out a huff of air in the hopes of dislodging some of his fringe as it hung in his eyes.

“Talk, blast you!” Grindelwald shouted. Opposite him Newt took a deep breath.

“Can’t you make up your mind? Do you want me to talk or shut up for a minute? I can’t do both at the same time. I was only 17 seconds into the minute when you demanded I talk again. So you really need to sort out your priorities and choose one or the other. So, did you want me to talk or shall I stay quiet?”

Grindelwald curled his fingers into his hair and pulled as he howled.

“Shut up. Just shut up! You infuriating little man.”

Newt put up a finger and opened his mouth to point out that he wasn’t all that little; in fact Grindelwald was probably shorter than him. However one glare from Grindelwald had his mouth snapping shut.

“Right,” Grindelwald took a steadying breath, “this is how it’s going to go. I’m going to ask you a question and you’re going to answer honestly. Is that clear?”

“Honestly,” Newt replied. He had a hard time keeping a straight face when presented with Grindelwald’s look of despair.

“No, no, no, no,” he muttered. Another breath. “Okay. Let’s try again. I ask a question, you give me the answer. Is that okay?”

“Not really,” Newt shrugged. The wand pointed at him began to glow. “How about I get to ask a question for each one of yours too?”

“No lying, only the truth,” Grindelwald acquiesced. “Now, where are your friends? Remember, only honest answers.”

Newt nodded solemnly and licked his lips.

“I don’t have friends. I have colleagues and a lover,” Newt’s mouth curled into a smirk as he watched Grindelwald’s eyes boggle. He was having far too much fun. Something in the shadows moved behind Grindelwald and Newt struggled to hold back his grin.

“I believe it’s my turn, Mr. Grindelwald. Now, do you know what is small, red and incredibly bad for your teeth?”

Before Grindelwald could say anything Percival loomed behind him with a feral smile.

“A brick,” he whispered in the dark wizard’s ear and brought said brick down on the back of his head. Grindelwald collapsed into a boneless heap by his feet.

Around them the aurors started to melt from the shadows. Percival grinned at Newt and looked down at their captive.

“I wish to dedicate this moment to the loving memory of Newt,” he announced.

“But boss, he’s not dead?” Delego hesitantly pointed out.

“I know,” Percival replied. “I just love remembering him.”

**Author's Note:**

> For some very exciting news head to tumblr and find me - @ladyoftheshrimp


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